Thursday, January 2, 2014

Run Away.

There are so many times in my journey of caring for my husband during his battle with pancreatic cancer and then the devastating reality of facing life without him, that I have wanted to run away.  Where would I go?  What would I do?  How would my kids react?  Start over?  Clean slate?

I remember, and most of you will have a similar story, of a time when I was about 8.  I was mad at my mom but I couldn't tell you why.  I remember going to my room and packing a few things in my kerchief and tying it to a stick.  I must have gotten the idea from an old "Little Rascals" episode.  We only had four channels back then and that was possible because of the 50 foot antenna attached to the back of the house.  We lived about 1/1/2 miles outside a very small town in Indiana.  Corn and bean fields surrounded our property and cows were left to graze in the open field beyond our back fence.  I had the perfect get away plan.  But how would I let my mom know that I was mad, intended to run away, but still have her attention to notice I was gone and beg me to come home? 

Once Peter died, there would be no one to beg me to come back if I decided to "run away".  As adults we make our choices and people respect our decisions.  But as I have formulated plans to sell it all and move to a remote village in Belize, I realize my decisions affect so many other people.  It was the same when Peter was sick.  Sometime the stress, hopelessness and despair of our situation would bring me to the point of saying out loud, "I see why people leave in this situation."  No one should have to go through this hell.  But we both gracefully and faithfully took the journey together for our kids, families, and the legacy of what the future would be for us.  And now I walk that journey alone. 

Running away is never the answer unless it is to save yourself from certain peril.  But running to something is an appealing thought.  When we are faced with horrible or even mildly annoying situations, we always have the choice to run to something new and leave the past behind as a memory.  I have not chosen my something new yet but I definitely like the idea of exploring my options.

Peace and love for a happy, healthy and prosperous year.  Follow me as I explore what will be next.

Love,

Teresa