Crying in the shower...
It is such a relief to be able to just let it all go when you are showering. No one can hear if you are sobbing, sniffing, or just wailing with sorrow. It is so convenient too that the tears and the snot just run down the drain!
It has been many months since I had the courage to write anything on my blog. Not that I haven't had anything to say, but I have had a time of a creative desert. My life got mired with the detail of changing the kid's diet, and the rest of the family's diet, for celiac disease. Going gluten free is much easier these days, but still very expensive. And what the experts don't talk about is the emotional and psychological impact that the disease can have. Even though it is just Emma and Sam that need to go gluten free, nut free and dairy free, everyone in the family has been impacted. At any given day there have been battles over food and that is last thing I expected in my life. Another reason for crying in the shower.
My frustrations in life got the better of me and I made the decision in February that because I could not change any of the situations in my life, I would need to change. And so I took on the task of appreciating every day. It is not easy to get up every day and say, "This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it." It is easy to say it but not always easy to live it. But it is just like practicing your faith. Each day can be a stepping stone to building that faith muscle and in turn that ability to find joy even in the most trying situations.
With the holidays approaching it is tricky to navigate the balance of Christmas and Christ. Peter loved Christmas and all of the trappings of decorations and gifts. I was always the Scrooge, not wanting to celebrate the material side of Christmas but keeping our focus on Christ. But I find now that going through the motions of the traditions keeps Peter's Christmas enthusiasm alive and our Christmas joy will be what we make of it.
As many of you will also experience your own roller coaster of emotions this holiday due to the loss of someone you love, the loss of a job, or just the desert of your faith journey, know that as a baby was born to change our world, He can change yours too.
Love,
Teresa
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Run Away.
There are so many times in my journey of caring for my husband during his battle with pancreatic cancer and then the devastating reality of facing life without him, that I have wanted to run away. Where would I go? What would I do? How would my kids react? Start over? Clean slate?
I remember, and most of you will have a similar story, of a time when I was about 8. I was mad at my mom but I couldn't tell you why. I remember going to my room and packing a few things in my kerchief and tying it to a stick. I must have gotten the idea from an old "Little Rascals" episode. We only had four channels back then and that was possible because of the 50 foot antenna attached to the back of the house. We lived about 1/1/2 miles outside a very small town in Indiana. Corn and bean fields surrounded our property and cows were left to graze in the open field beyond our back fence. I had the perfect get away plan. But how would I let my mom know that I was mad, intended to run away, but still have her attention to notice I was gone and beg me to come home?
Once Peter died, there would be no one to beg me to come back if I decided to "run away". As adults we make our choices and people respect our decisions. But as I have formulated plans to sell it all and move to a remote village in Belize, I realize my decisions affect so many other people. It was the same when Peter was sick. Sometime the stress, hopelessness and despair of our situation would bring me to the point of saying out loud, "I see why people leave in this situation." No one should have to go through this hell. But we both gracefully and faithfully took the journey together for our kids, families, and the legacy of what the future would be for us. And now I walk that journey alone.
Running away is never the answer unless it is to save yourself from certain peril. But running to something is an appealing thought. When we are faced with horrible or even mildly annoying situations, we always have the choice to run to something new and leave the past behind as a memory. I have not chosen my something new yet but I definitely like the idea of exploring my options.
Peace and love for a happy, healthy and prosperous year. Follow me as I explore what will be next.
Love,
Teresa
There are so many times in my journey of caring for my husband during his battle with pancreatic cancer and then the devastating reality of facing life without him, that I have wanted to run away. Where would I go? What would I do? How would my kids react? Start over? Clean slate?
I remember, and most of you will have a similar story, of a time when I was about 8. I was mad at my mom but I couldn't tell you why. I remember going to my room and packing a few things in my kerchief and tying it to a stick. I must have gotten the idea from an old "Little Rascals" episode. We only had four channels back then and that was possible because of the 50 foot antenna attached to the back of the house. We lived about 1/1/2 miles outside a very small town in Indiana. Corn and bean fields surrounded our property and cows were left to graze in the open field beyond our back fence. I had the perfect get away plan. But how would I let my mom know that I was mad, intended to run away, but still have her attention to notice I was gone and beg me to come home?
Once Peter died, there would be no one to beg me to come back if I decided to "run away". As adults we make our choices and people respect our decisions. But as I have formulated plans to sell it all and move to a remote village in Belize, I realize my decisions affect so many other people. It was the same when Peter was sick. Sometime the stress, hopelessness and despair of our situation would bring me to the point of saying out loud, "I see why people leave in this situation." No one should have to go through this hell. But we both gracefully and faithfully took the journey together for our kids, families, and the legacy of what the future would be for us. And now I walk that journey alone.
Running away is never the answer unless it is to save yourself from certain peril. But running to something is an appealing thought. When we are faced with horrible or even mildly annoying situations, we always have the choice to run to something new and leave the past behind as a memory. I have not chosen my something new yet but I definitely like the idea of exploring my options.
Peace and love for a happy, healthy and prosperous year. Follow me as I explore what will be next.
Love,
Teresa
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