Thursday, November 28, 2013

Pairing Off

Happy Thanksgiving to all today!  As it has been in the past, I feel very alone on a holiday and this time I was so surprised that I started feeling that loneliness Tuesday.  I stopped at Peter's stone after school mass because I always do.  The students and teachers were filing by me and some stopped to say a prayer with me.  I had thought throughout mass how this would be the fifth Thanksgiving without Peter.  That feeling hit me so hard and I have felt stuck since then.  I kept functioning at a minimum because I had work to finish, laundry, grocery shopping, writing and editing to do, crème brulee to make, and the Thanksgiving meal to plan and prepare (all gluten-free!).  But I did take a lot of hours to just lay in my bed, with that nauseous feeling and I wished that I were not alone.

The world expects everyone to  pair off.  Since the days of Adam and Eve and Noah's ark, life goes on by two. So when you are alone, especially at the holidays, that lack of a partner stings even more.  I was single for so many years of my life before I met Peter and we had a family of our own.  I was so lucky to have a family to go to for every holiday.  And we always invited extended family and friends that didn't have a place to go.  Some great memories I have of Thanksgiving were those spent with my grandparents and we used Helen's dishes today.  Such a sweet thought that Emma wanted to use those today.  I also have great memories of Thanksgiving with Peter and my favorite was when we spent the holiday at Disney World. We had a fabulous meal, prepared by someone else, and the weather was so great we ate our meal outdoors in shorts!

It has been a deja vu experience lately being single when I have been out with friends.  I had dinner recently with two couples and I was the fifth wheel. I did not mind that at all but what was evident is how the world views this phenomenon of everyone being a "pair".  All five of us were finally seated and the waiter came up to us and said, "Are we waiting on another one?"  I wanted to say, "We will be waiting for eternity!"  I know there are a lot of people that do not have the perfect pairing and would like their situation to be different.  But we each have to reconcile what our life looks like and figure out how to navigate what will happen next.

I am sure there will be many holidays yet to face alone and maybe eventually I won't feel so alone. It will get easier or God will bless me with a new pairing?

Love to all,

Teresa

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